I am in the mist of my final week of classes in law school. I should be more excited, but I'm not. I feel like I'm not where I'm supposed to be, and worse, I not WHO I'm supposed to be. Even given the fact that I let go of the Disney-sold dream a long time ago, I still feel like 25 wasn't supposed to look like this: stressed, still overweight, under-involved, overwhelmed, under-appreciated, financially insecure, unemployed, in debt and generally unimpressed with myself. I'm not by any means blaming anyone, just reflecting on my circumstances and trying to figure out what I should be learning fro this situation.
Amazingly, I'm not extremely sad about this (I guess this is the joy vs. happiness thing that people talk about). I try to walk with my head held high, look my best, believe the best, give more, do more and treat others a little better everyday. I'm not perfect, but I am working on the better. I just feel like I need a little more guidance.
Anyway, I've officially started my healthy lifestyle mission (again). I want to lose 100 lbs by next spring. I also want to clear up my skin and be able to a half marathon in the same amount of time (obviously not related). I can't help but think that I want to do this for myself (as any change in lifestyle should be), but that what I do should help someone else. I don't know how yet, but maybe that will be revealed on the journey as well.
When I free-flow write about my "issues," I also think of how rich I am despite my constant desire for more. I've been blessed with a wonderfully dysfunctional family, whom I love dearly and I've had an amazing opportunity in education. Every trial has talk me a little more about life. I have wonderful friends, including two who are more sister than friend. I lead a good life, I just want to put it to good use.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Monday, August 24, 2009
Somewhere in the Melody...
My friend (we'll call her Smiley), and I were having a conversation not to long ago about the direction of modern music, specifically rap. Now, neither of us are the I HATE RAP MUSIC, IT'S JUST NOISE crowd, but we did have very different views about standards of music. Smiley contends that there should be no standard for rap or popular music because it would limit the variety of music. her general reasoning was that different people like different things and a standard would exclude some.
I disagree wholeheartedly. I would argue that there is a standard whether or not we want it to be and that standard is currently too low. I believe that the quality of music, both sound and lyrical creativity suffer from mediocrity. If the high point of standard is mediocre, then the bottom of the curve results in pure foolishness running the industry. the creative element in fact diminishes because the artistry itself is devalued.
I used Lil Wayne as my example. I'm not saying he is garbage, I think he's a decent rapper, but if he is the best in the game, then there is no wonder that Soulja Boy Tell'em, who doesn't even rap (or use coherent words), and Plies, who falls below the redeeming quality meter, make it in the industry. I personally think all three are formulatic artists- talk about sex, drugs, sex, hoes, sex, shine, and sex and you can make it... with the right promotion. This decreases rather than sustains creativity. Now, do I like to listen to BS sometimes? Yes, but the difference between modern music trends and my traditionalist view is that traditionally the industry and consumers were willing to call BS just that. The musicianship and lyrical content were more valued than mass "appeal" (which if you look research, this appeal only considers what you will listen to before you get disgusted and turn the radio station, not whether you the consumer actually like what you are listening to). The challenge to create quality and appeal spawned creativity and motivated variety.
I don't write this to put down others taste, but damn can there be a little more out there that A & T rhymes? Can I turn on my radio and not hear the same 5 BS songs every hour because others are not willing to go beyond what can sell to think about what can make a difference? Yes, everyone I've mentioned probably has more money than me. So? When they die, they will be someone no one remembers because the next guy is using the same formula with a new face and is making a killing. I get it, the rap hustle is about the green. For most of these cats, it's not about the music, it's about the money, but I AM NOT YOUR HUSTLE. Don't sell me rat poison and call it rosemary.
I'm passionate about this topic for a reason: a rap song saved my life. There was a time when I was willing to die in order to end the pain I was feeling. I thought about suicide on several occasions during this time. Playa Fly, a local Memphis artist, had a song out at the time called "Write Sum Bump." This song was a saving grace. I remember the lyrics out the top of my head:
I desperately needed to hear that someone else was going through that kind of pain. I needed to know that I wasn't alone. I needed to know HOW to cope.
He told me his story in his rap, and it gave me hope because he survived. Yeah, it sucked and it was hard and the scars are real. He may not have a diamond ring to show for it, but he lived to tell his story, not some cliche thug narrative (that are way too often fabricated to fit a persona). This was not some track on the album after you heard about how many women he gets on the radio, but rather a testament played on the airwaves, and it saved my life! His single represented his album which represented all facets of him.
I began writing while listening to his music. I began writing to release my generational pain. I began writing because he said his ability to write stood between him and death. Far to few mainstream rappers today have said anything remotely worth remembering, let alone changing someone's life. I respect a hustle, but to me, with music, so much more than money is at stake. The power of the pen is more that selling CDs and the occasional concerts and platinum. Why are you wasting thirty-two bars saying the same thing you said in your last single? Why are you wasting a tight beat spitting illogical cliches as a chorus line? Why are you disrespecting the art?
I disagree wholeheartedly. I would argue that there is a standard whether or not we want it to be and that standard is currently too low. I believe that the quality of music, both sound and lyrical creativity suffer from mediocrity. If the high point of standard is mediocre, then the bottom of the curve results in pure foolishness running the industry. the creative element in fact diminishes because the artistry itself is devalued.
I used Lil Wayne as my example. I'm not saying he is garbage, I think he's a decent rapper, but if he is the best in the game, then there is no wonder that Soulja Boy Tell'em, who doesn't even rap (or use coherent words), and Plies, who falls below the redeeming quality meter, make it in the industry. I personally think all three are formulatic artists- talk about sex, drugs, sex, hoes, sex, shine, and sex and you can make it... with the right promotion. This decreases rather than sustains creativity. Now, do I like to listen to BS sometimes? Yes, but the difference between modern music trends and my traditionalist view is that traditionally the industry and consumers were willing to call BS just that. The musicianship and lyrical content were more valued than mass "appeal" (which if you look research, this appeal only considers what you will listen to before you get disgusted and turn the radio station, not whether you the consumer actually like what you are listening to). The challenge to create quality and appeal spawned creativity and motivated variety.
I don't write this to put down others taste, but damn can there be a little more out there that A & T rhymes? Can I turn on my radio and not hear the same 5 BS songs every hour because others are not willing to go beyond what can sell to think about what can make a difference? Yes, everyone I've mentioned probably has more money than me. So? When they die, they will be someone no one remembers because the next guy is using the same formula with a new face and is making a killing. I get it, the rap hustle is about the green. For most of these cats, it's not about the music, it's about the money, but I AM NOT YOUR HUSTLE. Don't sell me rat poison and call it rosemary.
I'm passionate about this topic for a reason: a rap song saved my life. There was a time when I was willing to die in order to end the pain I was feeling. I thought about suicide on several occasions during this time. Playa Fly, a local Memphis artist, had a song out at the time called "Write Sum Bump." This song was a saving grace. I remember the lyrics out the top of my head:
Fly write some bump to take the pain out
if I wasn't high I'd probably try to blow my brains out
It's hopeless, this shit was in us as a baby ...
I desperately needed to hear that someone else was going through that kind of pain. I needed to know that I wasn't alone. I needed to know HOW to cope.
The game was put off in me,(be)'fore I was put in the game
and Fly was going through struggles, before I'm knowing my name
with me and muff in a bug, two towns above I was drug
left Bill with no knowledge of this can't be motherly love
Miskican Heights where she fled, but later ran into feds
she move that boy and that girl, right where we rested our heads
as they arrived on the scene, I'm reaching two years in age
left by a pole in and pamper and shedding tears full of rage
I told her 'I wanna go,' and that's what started to hurt her
she cried I'm going downtown and you can't go it's to dirty
and now my that my muff abducted, I'm left alone and corrupt
but to my rescue he flew, with no if ands or buts
off in a 72 impala with Jack and Poo,
they came and got playa, playa just like not nothing was new
and to this day he been resting and SPV catching blessings
I thank Allah for my father and for the son he requested
and Playa
He told me his story in his rap, and it gave me hope because he survived. Yeah, it sucked and it was hard and the scars are real. He may not have a diamond ring to show for it, but he lived to tell his story, not some cliche thug narrative (that are way too often fabricated to fit a persona). This was not some track on the album after you heard about how many women he gets on the radio, but rather a testament played on the airwaves, and it saved my life! His single represented his album which represented all facets of him.
I began writing while listening to his music. I began writing to release my generational pain. I began writing because he said his ability to write stood between him and death. Far to few mainstream rappers today have said anything remotely worth remembering, let alone changing someone's life. I respect a hustle, but to me, with music, so much more than money is at stake. The power of the pen is more that selling CDs and the occasional concerts and platinum. Why are you wasting thirty-two bars saying the same thing you said in your last single? Why are you wasting a tight beat spitting illogical cliches as a chorus line? Why are you disrespecting the art?
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Fear in Moderation
I've been thinking about all the reasons I've missed prior opportunities to get myself together. While I would love to say it was my harsh struggles, traumatic experiences and difficult childhood, that's not really been it. I'm too old to fool myself into thinking those are valid reasons and not naive enough to believe that I wasn't influenced by those things. The truth is that fear has been a consuming emotion. Sure, I' have done some fearless things, but "m certainly not the fearLESS person I want to be. To me, fearLESS is making a decision about things I think are right and following through with them, regardless of the consequences. by this definition, I'm not fearLESS at all. How can one be fearLESS by towing the line because it can lead to stability. I fear living without stability because it's been my dream to have it for so long. The unattainable goal, the unicorn of my life, and maybe, the reason I'm not content. I fear reaching out and I fear being alone. I fear failure and success. I fear mediocrity. I fear FEAR.
It's not all bad, it really isn't. Some would say I'm successful, fortunate, blessed. That's true, but what good is it if I sacrifice my ability to take risks in order to hold on to what I know. by society's standard's I've accomplished something, but my standards (which may be admittedly high and likely unrealistic) I haven't done much. I haven't been much to anybody. I don't think I've changed anyone's life, or even someone's mind. I want so much to leave a positive mark on this world, and no matter how much I accomplish, I think as long as I stay in the bounds of this risk adverse, path, I will never be that person. I think even if I never fully overcome fear, if I could learn to conquer the fear I have, I would feel like i was in a better place. I want so badly to step out on unshakable faith and disregard that nagging in the back of my mind. The stop sign that never turns green. How does one become fearLESS? How does one moderate fear?
It's not all bad, it really isn't. Some would say I'm successful, fortunate, blessed. That's true, but what good is it if I sacrifice my ability to take risks in order to hold on to what I know. by society's standard's I've accomplished something, but my standards (which may be admittedly high and likely unrealistic) I haven't done much. I haven't been much to anybody. I don't think I've changed anyone's life, or even someone's mind. I want so much to leave a positive mark on this world, and no matter how much I accomplish, I think as long as I stay in the bounds of this risk adverse, path, I will never be that person. I think even if I never fully overcome fear, if I could learn to conquer the fear I have, I would feel like i was in a better place. I want so badly to step out on unshakable faith and disregard that nagging in the back of my mind. The stop sign that never turns green. How does one become fearLESS? How does one moderate fear?
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Random Thoughts... Please Excuse My crazy
Lately I've been acting out instead of saying what's on my mind. Well, today I decided to write it down and post it. Excuse my crazy. This woman is currently under construction:
I really should have went into the rap game. Most of the stuff out now is ridiculous. the beats don't go hard like they did in the 90's, everything has a dance, and the lyrics are brought to you by Barney. Here's a clue: it may sound cute, but if it doesn't make logical sense, it's not clever.
And why do certain people always throw shade at my goals? I truly understand now that there are certain people I can't share my vision with because they will take every opportunity to criticize. I don't know who stole your damn sunshine but don't try to steal mine.
I'm on my way to accepting that I could never be your girl. I would lose me in the process of trying to please you. If I am honest, I can say that I loved the idea of you. I've seen your ugly and I just can't deal.... and you can't deal with my ugly either.
(rant) Teachers need more pay and resources, and support and students that want to learn. Homeless people need jobs and a house to have an address to get a job and food and clothing. Lonely people need more people and love and to be held and reassurance. The president needs time and patience and superhero powers. Old people need care and attention and deserve respect. The world needs trees and animals and all the stuff that people over exploit. Victims need to be heard. The whole F-in world economy is falling apart faster than paper mache in a rain storm and rich people get to buy two story houses for there dogs. Life is so unfair. (/rant)
BREATHE WOOOSAAA
I really should have went into the rap game. Most of the stuff out now is ridiculous. the beats don't go hard like they did in the 90's, everything has a dance, and the lyrics are brought to you by Barney. Here's a clue: it may sound cute, but if it doesn't make logical sense, it's not clever.
And why do certain people always throw shade at my goals? I truly understand now that there are certain people I can't share my vision with because they will take every opportunity to criticize. I don't know who stole your damn sunshine but don't try to steal mine.
I'm on my way to accepting that I could never be your girl. I would lose me in the process of trying to please you. If I am honest, I can say that I loved the idea of you. I've seen your ugly and I just can't deal.... and you can't deal with my ugly either.
(rant) Teachers need more pay and resources, and support and students that want to learn. Homeless people need jobs and a house to have an address to get a job and food and clothing. Lonely people need more people and love and to be held and reassurance. The president needs time and patience and superhero powers. Old people need care and attention and deserve respect. The world needs trees and animals and all the stuff that people over exploit. Victims need to be heard. The whole F-in world economy is falling apart faster than paper mache in a rain storm and rich people get to buy two story houses for there dogs. Life is so unfair. (/rant)
BREATHE WOOOSAAA
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Why I DIDN'T Like Black in America 2
Top 15 Reasons I think CNN needs their ass kicked for the display of ridiculousness that was Black in America 2 (Note: I never saw BIA 1, but others have told me this was the better of the series... REALLY?)
15. CNN is overly ambitious and obviously very arrogant. To think that this program could encompass even a grain of being Black in America is beyond me. I also have a strong feeling that the editors were so confident in this production that I doubt they bothered to run it past a couple of black editors first.
14. Those damn McDonald's commercials they kept showing in between the segment. I personally don't know 2 little black kids (or any other kids) who dream of owning a McDonald's. And if one of the problems facing black Americans is obesity, pimping McDonald's for two nights in a row does not help with "Solutions"
13. I'm Black in America and I could relate to about maybe 10 minutes of a 4 hour program
12. Taking kids to Africa for 2 weeks will not improve their grades
11. Taking kids from low income projects to a remote place in one of the most developed countries in Africa to show the what it's like to really have nothing exploits the kids, the African village, the nation of South Africa, and the people watching said show. (I mean really, I was in South Africa for a month and I never had t live in a hut with no electricity or eat worms. Exploiting the Diaspora from two continents is NOT cool.
10. If probably would have been more helpful to find tutors for the kids that couldn't read than taking them to another continent
9. Marriages that are really broken need more than a good freak'em play list to be a solution. While I myself have jammed to H-Town's Knockin' the Boots, I really don't think it will decrease the number of divorces amongst black or others.
8. Nothing about black in America made me want to be black in America. in fact, the portrayal didn't even make it seem livable. If I were of another race and saw this, I could see myself shaking my head at every black person I met after watching it.
7.There was no need for the constant references to the almost addiction to fried chicken. We get that there's an obesity epidemic in the black community. Throwing in stereotypes makes this serious problem a joke.
6. Speaking of stereotypes, I think CNN found every black stereotype there was and re-enforced it with steel beams in this program. (see
5. They lied in the title. This part was called Solutions and I saw little of that (I'll give them the segment with the principal, although he had to be superman to achieve success).
4. Soledad needs sensitivity training or something. Her questions didn't go to the heart of these problems, rather they focused on duress (ex. do you think she (3rd time cancer patient) will be alive in 5 years? 2 years? next year? Are you (recently release ex-con with difficulty finding enough work) going to start selling drugs again? Do you (depressed older man on 12 medications) think it would be better to die?) What the WHAT Soledad?
3. I really don't know what the goal was for this program
2. The working class black people (you know the ones who have some education, some experience, not privileged but not living on government assistance) were not in this program. We DO exist.
1. A lot of being Black in America is about how I relate to whites (and others) in America. We can't and don't live in a vacuum. Why then would CNN pretend that we are some separate endangered species living amongst, but not necessarily with others. There is no way you can talk about Black in America without showing this interaction... and yet they managed to do it.
15. CNN is overly ambitious and obviously very arrogant. To think that this program could encompass even a grain of being Black in America is beyond me. I also have a strong feeling that the editors were so confident in this production that I doubt they bothered to run it past a couple of black editors first.
14. Those damn McDonald's commercials they kept showing in between the segment. I personally don't know 2 little black kids (or any other kids) who dream of owning a McDonald's. And if one of the problems facing black Americans is obesity, pimping McDonald's for two nights in a row does not help with "Solutions"
13. I'm Black in America and I could relate to about maybe 10 minutes of a 4 hour program
12. Taking kids to Africa for 2 weeks will not improve their grades
11. Taking kids from low income projects to a remote place in one of the most developed countries in Africa to show the what it's like to really have nothing exploits the kids, the African village, the nation of South Africa, and the people watching said show. (I mean really, I was in South Africa for a month and I never had t live in a hut with no electricity or eat worms. Exploiting the Diaspora from two continents is NOT cool.
10. If probably would have been more helpful to find tutors for the kids that couldn't read than taking them to another continent
9. Marriages that are really broken need more than a good freak'em play list to be a solution. While I myself have jammed to H-Town's Knockin' the Boots, I really don't think it will decrease the number of divorces amongst black or others.
8. Nothing about black in America made me want to be black in America. in fact, the portrayal didn't even make it seem livable. If I were of another race and saw this, I could see myself shaking my head at every black person I met after watching it.
7.There was no need for the constant references to the almost addiction to fried chicken. We get that there's an obesity epidemic in the black community. Throwing in stereotypes makes this serious problem a joke.
6. Speaking of stereotypes, I think CNN found every black stereotype there was and re-enforced it with steel beams in this program. (see
5. They lied in the title. This part was called Solutions and I saw little of that (I'll give them the segment with the principal, although he had to be superman to achieve success).
4. Soledad needs sensitivity training or something. Her questions didn't go to the heart of these problems, rather they focused on duress (ex. do you think she (3rd time cancer patient) will be alive in 5 years? 2 years? next year? Are you (recently release ex-con with difficulty finding enough work) going to start selling drugs again? Do you (depressed older man on 12 medications) think it would be better to die?) What the WHAT Soledad?
3. I really don't know what the goal was for this program
2. The working class black people (you know the ones who have some education, some experience, not privileged but not living on government assistance) were not in this program. We DO exist.
1. A lot of being Black in America is about how I relate to whites (and others) in America. We can't and don't live in a vacuum. Why then would CNN pretend that we are some separate endangered species living amongst, but not necessarily with others. There is no way you can talk about Black in America without showing this interaction... and yet they managed to do it.
Starting Over
I have clearly not been on my Ps and Qs (with this blog or with life). It's the middle of 2009 and I am not in the same place that I was last year, but I definitely am striving for better. I'll try to update regularly if only to clear my head. Right now, I'm thinking of something a classmate said about bad kids: "I see bad kids and I just want to tell them, ' just go to college! It's so much better than anything possibly going on in your life right now. Just stick these two or three years out in high school, and apply. I'm sure someone will feel sorry for you and give you a diversity scholarship. I guess they just don't know."
I was offended on so many levels. Now, my first mind wanted to go angry black woman on her and then educate the ignorance out that behind, what with this Henry Louis Gates thing still going, but I don't think that would have helped changed her mind. I think sometimes I hit a point where I'm just tired. Tired of fighting stereotypes, tired of defending the race, tired of having to live above expectations, just plain TIRED!I don't have that kind of energy to waste, so she is on my associate at a distance list. I really can' bother with the foolishness.
I was offended on so many levels. Now, my first mind wanted to go angry black woman on her and then educate the ignorance out that behind, what with this Henry Louis Gates thing still going, but I don't think that would have helped changed her mind. I think sometimes I hit a point where I'm just tired. Tired of fighting stereotypes, tired of defending the race, tired of having to live above expectations, just plain TIRED!I don't have that kind of energy to waste, so she is on my associate at a distance list. I really can' bother with the foolishness.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Stop and Stare
I'm at that point. You know, THAT point. Life double back down the road to slap me in the face for the foolishness I allowed to consume me. It's happened every time I think I've got to the point of almost being to the point that I've learned my lesson.
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